Author: Amy Zimmerle

When we were first planning and packing and getting ready to move to NYC I researched moving to a new city. I read blogs about NYC. I read blogs about staying at home. I searched job websites and childcare facilities. I read articles about adjusting to a new place where you don’t really know anyone. I reassured myself that families move to new places all the time. I personally know military families and other friends who made similar moves to an unknown place with with no built in connections. I had many friends and family encouraging me to give it time. Blogs and articles said it might take a year or so to get to know people and start to feel like a part of the community where you live. The first few months were rough. I really didn’t think I was ever going to like it here and was just dreading the time here.

We are now about 11 months into our move to NYC and they were right. In time I have gotten more comfortable with the noise… the smell… the people… the subway… the weather… I can now give other new comers (of which there are plenty. daily.) directions to the train and information about what it means to take a train uptown or downtown. I can help people at the laundry mat with the door that sticks sometimes and which washers and dryers to avoid. I have someone I can text real quick and say could you keep an eye on my kids if they get out of school before I can get the littlest one out of the house and down the street.

My boys are known by the crossing guards, and office staff, the school bus driver (of the school my kids don’t attend) as well as the the parents and staff and neighbors around the school they do attend. We are on a friendly basis with a couple of other fellow dog owners. The clerk at the convenience store knows us. The pizza guy knows us. We have a couple of friends we can go to the park with when the temperatures are nice.

My point is, in time, we have made a comfortable little spot for ourselves. We are excited about spring flowers, and beach days, and the end of school. We will have seen all our family and given them a grand tour of the this city like we have belonged here all our lives. Now don’t get me wrong, I will be ready to leave the first opportunity we have to get out of here… but until then we will keep giving it time… to make friends, to have an adventure, to make memories, and to make leaving a little harder!

My one word. Relinquish.

At the beginning of a typical New Year I would have made some great New Year’s resolutions to live healthier, lose weight, get organized, get my desk cleaned out, and be super mom getting my boys to do the same. I would still be doing pretty well to this point except that it is already a week into the New Year and I am just now righting a post about New Year’s resolutions right?

I had not heard of this idea of one word to motivate and drive my year without making any resolutions until this year. (Apparently, I must have been living under a rock.) Typically, being this far behind on my New Year’s resolutions would be driving me insane. I have a bit of a “type A” personality and a need to be in control of well, EVERYTHING! So this idea of one word appealed to me. I could keep track of and control one word… one thing instead of the probably 6 or 7 things I feel like I could improve on this year. After hearing some of what others had done in the past and were considering for this year ONE thing kept coming to me… (ironically the thought that kept coming to me was not one word it was two…) so I went to the Thesaurus and found my one word.

Relinquish: a verb: to withdraw or retreat from: leave behind. Give up. To stop holding physically: release, to give over possession or control of: yield.

I relinquish the need to control everything.  I relinquish my fear. I relinquish my anger. I relinquish my children. I relinquish my husband. I relinquish everything to the One who is in control. I relinquish everything to the One who has set me free. Jesus, I release all these things to you for you to possess and for you to control. I relinquish it all to you.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

*Special thanks to my mom, Annette, for helping me get to this place and telling me about one word.

I have to admit I was excited about my boys starting school. I had visions of them being the student of the month and getting the highest of grades and that they would be the teachers favorite.  I thought my boys would love school and learning like I did.  But as often happens that has not been reality.  At parent pick-up I got to hear the reality that your son has a difficult time keeping his hands to himself. He is disruptive. He talks to much and doesn’t raise his hand. At parent teacher conferences,  your son is doing (just) OK on his school work, he could be doing a little better.  Calls from the school nurse about injuries caused by my son and meeting with principals.  General displeasure about having to do homework and getting up for school. To be honest I have been disappointed by it all.

But as God often does, He began to show me what is really more important. A stranger to us, took notice of my boys after observing them on our walk home each day. An older lady in her 80’s she stopped us one day and asked me about them and complimented me on what nice boys they are and how she herself lives alone now but has twin boys of her own. When it’s not too cold she waits for them to come around the corner and gives them a treat and asks them about their day. On their birthday Twin B asked if he could share one of his left over cookies with her on our way home. It warmed my heart and I believe hers too! He has taken her pictures he’s drawn at school. Kindness and thoughtfulness from my “disruptive and talkative” son. Hugs to the school crossing guards. High fives and waives to bus drivers at the school they don’t even attend. Strangers taking notice of the friendliness and willingness of my children to share a kind moment with those that are often seen as less important.

My disappointment melted away into pride at how my boys just naturally treat other people kindly. It is really more important to me how my children treat other people than how smart they are or what awards they get at school. I want them to do well in school and I want them to learn and do their best. But I also want them to grow up showing kindness and love to all people. Then they will be living like Jesus.

Mathew 25:40

“The King will reply, ‘Truly i tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Luke 2:52

“And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.”

Worst week ever. Like literally. Last week the boys were out of school on Monday. It was rainy. Justin left for work like normal but was going out of town for 4 days. So no back up. No grandparents to bring in for reinforcements. We got by on Monday with a little bit earlier than normal bed time after the regular resistance to cleaning up and showering and getting ready for bed. Then Tuesday started with a phone call from the school, 1/2 and hour into the school day from the nurse. Nurse: Your son was punched in the gut at breakfast after punching another boy in the face. He is ok, but please talk to your son about not fighting at school when he gets home. Me: Yes, I will (again). I’m sorry. Thank you.

Somewhere in their add broken tooth brush holder (because the youngest wants to be in the bathroom doing anything BUT potty training) and stuffing 5 double rolls of toilet paper in the toilet all at the same time and the dog doing her business on the rug right by the front door. Then the next day doing her other business on the carpet and discovering it only after my son stepped in it and trekked it around the house!!  Like I said — Worst. Week. Ever! This kind of week sticks with you. I was major miserable and feeling like I was a major mom failure. But I survived and I remembered children are work. Uggh, so much work.

I recently read an article from another mom that talked about not apologizing for her kids when they are just being kids. That thought resonated with me. I had an “I’m sorry” montage flash in my  head of the worst week ever and from the last almost 6 years.  Some of those I’m sorry’s were definitely warranted but many of them were not. My children were not born perfect and I’m not perfect either. Kids break stuff. Kids make messes, and mistakes.  I didn’t handle every situation the way I would have liked but I did learn something from each situation about myself and about my boys.

I also need to remember the many compliments I receive when on occasion  my boys listen, use their manners, and are civil to each other and strangers.

I don’t need to apologize for my boys while they are still in the process of growing and learning. I will remember that they need grace and mercy and forgiveness. I will remember that I am in need of grace and mercy and forgiveness.

“Peace is not the absence of trouble; it is the presence of Christ.” Sheila Walsh

Blood pressure rising. Adrenaline flowing. Body temperature rising. Throat hoarse. Hands flying. Rage spilling out. The monster from inside now showing. Cursing, screaming, throwing things. Who is this person? It’s me. Asking my children for the third, fourth, and maybe fifth time to clean their room.  To go to sleep at bed time. To get their shoes on, cause it takes the 4 of us to take the dog to the bathroom. To stop playing at the table and just eat the food I put in front of them regardless of whether they want to eat it or not…

Some days I want to run away from my life. I have found myself failing where I most want to be successful — as a mother to my 3 boys.

But I yell at them a lot. I use language with them that I shouldn’t and don’t use unless I am angry with them. I try to excuse it as if it were ok because I am frustrated, because I did not choose to be at home with them 24/7,  because I am angry or any matter of justification.  I am sure I am not the first mom to experience these feelings or actions. But it is wrong of me to act this way if I don’t want to see my children act this way. And it is not the kind of mom I want to be to my kids.

These last few days I have been thinking a lot about this. About what I will pass on to my children. What legacy will I leave for them.  Will they only remember their mother as an angry and sometimes crazy lady that screamed at them all the time?

So my confession is that I have a hard time controlling my anger. Even though I know that anger is the opposite of love. It is not a fruit of the Spirit or a spiritual gift. It is not a beatitude that brings blessings. The Bible tells us over and over that God is faithful to forgive us when we sin. I recognize my need for a Savior more now than ever on this journey to raise Godly young men to love Jesus.

I want to do better. I want to be more intentional in the way I deal with my kids and ultimately the way I deal with my anger. If I tell my children to show grace and mercy and forgiveness like Jesus then I must also show grace and mercy and forgiveness to my children. No matter the reason for my anger, or frustration.

Ultimately, showing self control over my anger teaches them better than any words I could use to explain it. I must go before my kids when I act out of control and confess that it is wrong to act that way. They will learn from my actions well before they will learn from my words.

Do you have the same struggle? If you do let’s pray together for Jesus to replace anger with grace in our lives. I want my boys to remember their mom as a women who produced the fruit of the Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control. I want to leave a Spirit filled legacy to my boys.

Galatians 5:22

Well for my first rambling let me just say blogging is a first for me. We put a lot of emphasis on firsts, like our first crush, first impressions, first words, and first steps so for that reason I hope my first blog is satisfactory. You know should I wind up famous or POTUS some day I hope I won’t be embarrassed by this first post!  I decided to start writing a blog because of the many other firsts that are happening in my life right now. For the first time in 18 years I don’t have to set an alarm and go to work! I still have to work, raising 3 boys and taking care of the laundry and dishes and the dog and… well you get the idea. For the first time I get to spend an enormous amount of time at home. In a short month I will be sending two of my children off to school for the first time.  I live in a new city and find myself going to the laundry mat for the first time, riding a subway train for the first time, eating new food for the first time, finding a new church for the first time. For the first time in a long time I’m a little out of my comfort zone. Sometimes, we need a little discomfort to grow and learn so as I continue to conquer firsts I hope to also encourage others through my random thoughts and ramblings.