Blood pressure rising. Adrenaline flowing. Body temperature rising. Throat hoarse. Hands flying. Rage spilling out. The monster from inside now showing. Cursing, screaming, throwing things. Who is this person? It’s me. Asking my children for the third, fourth, and maybe fifth time to clean their room. To go to sleep at bed time. To get their shoes on, cause it takes the 4 of us to take the dog to the bathroom. To stop playing at the table and just eat the food I put in front of them regardless of whether they want to eat it or not…
Some days I want to run away from my life. I have found myself failing where I most want to be successful — as a mother to my 3 boys.
But I yell at them a lot. I use language with them that I shouldn’t and don’t use unless I am angry with them. I try to excuse it as if it were ok because I am frustrated, because I did not choose to be at home with them 24/7, because I am angry or any matter of justification. I am sure I am not the first mom to experience these feelings or actions. But it is wrong of me to act this way if I don’t want to see my children act this way. And it is not the kind of mom I want to be to my kids.
These last few days I have been thinking a lot about this. About what I will pass on to my children. What legacy will I leave for them. Will they only remember their mother as an angry and sometimes crazy lady that screamed at them all the time?
So my confession is that I have a hard time controlling my anger. Even though I know that anger is the opposite of love. It is not a fruit of the Spirit or a spiritual gift. It is not a beatitude that brings blessings. The Bible tells us over and over that God is faithful to forgive us when we sin. I recognize my need for a Savior more now than ever on this journey to raise Godly young men to love Jesus.
I want to do better. I want to be more intentional in the way I deal with my kids and ultimately the way I deal with my anger. If I tell my children to show grace and mercy and forgiveness like Jesus then I must also show grace and mercy and forgiveness to my children. No matter the reason for my anger, or frustration.
Ultimately, showing self control over my anger teaches them better than any words I could use to explain it. I must go before my kids when I act out of control and confess that it is wrong to act that way. They will learn from my actions well before they will learn from my words.
Do you have the same struggle? If you do let’s pray together for Jesus to replace anger with grace in our lives. I want my boys to remember their mom as a women who produced the fruit of the Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control. I want to leave a Spirit filled legacy to my boys.
Galatians 5:22
Random Mom Thoughts 
I struggle with the same. Thank you for being willing to share your heart so that we can all encourage one another. “I’m failing where I most want to succeed” speaks directly to my heart. I will commit to praying over you!
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I’m right here with you on this? lets pray together today to help us get better, forgive our sin & to improve on the issues. I love & miss you!! Have a blessed day xoxo
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Amy, I hear you, really. I remember not handling things well when I had 4 children under 5 years old. I pray they do not remember some things. Try this…react to them in a calm manner or with a smile and a quiet voice. See if they notice a difference. The old adage of counting to ten or a hundred really works. Arrow prayers all day long. Then go cry in the shower, thank God for His patience with you, ask Him for more love to reflect to your kids, then jump back in.
Love you and miss all of you:)💞
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Thank you ladies for sharing your heart and prayers with me.
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Amy, I am several months late to reading this blog entry. I do need to comment though because what you describe is a mirror to me. I was a stay-at-home mom by choice. We always have excuses and justifications for our bad behavior. We are human. My children were 6 and 8 when I had this epiphany. “I hope that this isn’t the way my children will remember me.” I prayed for help. God is faithful. When we pray for the strength to be more like Christ, there is never any doubt that you a praying God’s will. Similar to Dawn’s advice, I did my best for a long time to have an opposite reaction to my reflex. Instead of screaming, I would say nothing. Instead of ranting, I would walk away. In time, I was able to speak quietly and calmly. Now, twenty years later, I can count on one hand the number of times I have lost my temper in that “crazy lady” way. My daughter says she vaguely remembers my tantrums. My son says that he doesn’t really remember but he can “sort of” remember. That’s good enough! There is still hope for you!
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Shari thank you for your words of encouragement.
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